To be selfish FOR love....

*this blog was wrote on 10/29

"the Atlantic was born today and ill tell you how... i was standing on the edge of a perforated sphere as the water began filling holes.... making islands where no islands should go... i thought it less like a lake and more like a mote...i need you so much closer..."


I wonder some times how selfish we are in order to see our love win battles. The hippies wanted it so bad they'd put flowers in guns, protest in many different ways and do anything they could think of "in the name of peace" or "for peace".

I was talking to a great friend about how he would do anything for people to gain positive experience from a situation. He has a friend that he feels like he needs to help learn some positive lessons in life, this friend went on a 6 month vacation to come and venture on that path with him, seeking "life changing experiences". At the moment though they barely talk because of some situations that have manifested themselves. As a result this friend of his has seemed to give up on finding and desiring any positive "life changing" events/experiences/conversations etc etc. He expressed that he would give up his life if it meant his friend would be able to find the change they originally desired.

I have spend my life, searching/desiring/longing in one way or another for Love. At times I find the most of my selfishness is in the desire to be with that person, a passion deep within has called out their name and I long for their response. Wither it be distance, timing or the mundanes of everyday life I have always felt over anxious to be with my lover.

The bond that I feel towards another person has had a controlling grip on my life for many years. Many of these feelings come from past frustrations, a longing for recognition from my parents and other "beings" that I thought should have expressed their love towards me. Past relationships exaggerated these emotions and feelings by further leaving me with a heart of desire for shared love in relationships.

Recently however I brought these feelings "to the table" sort of speak for the lord to control, for him to romance me, for his love to meet with mine. It was a desire for me to be able to experience a loving relationship with him in concerns to my heart. Its not that I hadn't searched or experienced, expressed love with god before.
But I wanted a walk, a sort of husband wife relationship, he came through and freed me from many of these frustrations.

And as another situation arises in my current love life that keeps us separated for yet more time and distance I long for that love again, but with a different heart. For now my heart has been brought to hers through gods grace, I am romanced by him and with her through a combined spirit. I desire her with all of me as cliche as it sounds. There is no stronger calling in my selfish heart than to be with her. And as my soul communicates to my spirit (heart) and my mind I find an unusual comfort in knowing that we will be together in due time.

That is the easiest way to put it, it balances out the ying and yang to "love is easy" and "love is a battle field" within the battle of our love against the world I can see the beauty and bliss in what we have, the strength of it all.

At the end of the day I am grateful for God and Nasondra's companionship and I am excited for the times we do get together, learning from one another, and growing deeper in communion.

"...this is fact not fiction, for the first time in years...."